Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I'm sorry I ignored you

I just posted a comment on a blog I really like following, because I like the author's style and the pictures he finds/photoshops. Anyhow, in the off-chance he stops by here, I'd be embarrassed if there was nothing new for him to see. Not to say that the other two of you don't matter, but you're already friends with me and you recognize, or should have recognized, by now, my shortcomings.

Either way, it's okay. Like Lotus Weinstock was quoted via John Cameron Mitchel via Justin Bond via the movie Shortbus, "I used to want to change the world; now I just want to leave the room with a little bit of dignity." That's so true. I was sitting in a meeting this morning, the kind where conversations spiral off into trails of what the original idea was about, and I realized, hey, you gotta loosen up about some things. Like this meeting. Big deal. It's over in thirty minutes, take a deep breath and there you go.

A few weeks ago I was with my paramour and my great friend Caitya and the bf and I got into an argument about how he wanted to hold my hand or have his arm around me, and we were probably in a part of town (gah, I live in NY) where I didn't feel comfortable because I didn't want to get punched and I can be cowardly (not my best trait). In any case, bf turns to my friend and tells her he doesn't understand why I react like this sometimes, and she says right back, "Oh, it makes total sense. He's really uptight." HA! Good to be reminded of these things from time to time, my friends. Being in this relationship (my first!) has been full of first-time experiences for me, including seeing myself in the mirror of another person in a negative light. When I get upset when I ask him to get wine to go with our Chili on a cold November night, he shows up with a
rosé, and I respond by becoming withdrawn and upset: THAT IS ME BEING AN ASSHOLE. And I don't want to act like this, but I don't control my feelings like I want to. It's a challenge to check myself before I wreck myself, as Chowderhead Caro has told me is one of the biggest challenges in her LTR.

Anyway, I already mentioned her name, but you should check out Justin Bond's blog, particularly if you liked him in Shortbus or have ever seen him perform. I love this guy. He puts on these amazingly positive shows and I definitely am always impressed by his accompanist, Our Lady J.

I'll leave you with a very uplifting song we recently saw him perform at Joe's Pub: Tomorrow is the 22nd Century.


Jo Crucial said...

I don't think you are uptight or cowardly, brother. Loved seeing you in the Chi and look forward to chilling again, soon!

seriously said...

yeah she called you uptight. she also put a lease down on an apartment three thousand miles away after thinking about it for what, three seconds?

and yes, stop ignoring us. thanks for the song. xo

Joe said...

I've been meaning to comment since last week -- awfully nice of you to think that *I* might check your blog after you commented and be aghast that you hadn't posted anything in weeks and weeks. LOL

You know, that "uptight" thing, and also acting withdrawn and upset about a minor thing like wine: Ack! I can really relate, and I'm trying to get better. Some of that stuff is very deeply ingrained, and I think even a lot of gay guys don't understand why someone would cringe at public displays of affection in liberal cities. It all goes back to something in our screwed up childhoods, and it's not easy to fix. It helps when you start at least knowing these things about yourself and are able to warn other people. It's not a get out of jail card, but at least they won't be blindsided.

Hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving weekend, and thanks for your previous comment.