Friday, March 14, 2008

Kittens told me last night that my piece of shit blog sucks, so I’m going to go ahead and open up for everyone on the damn internet for her sake, so I don’t bore the fuck out of her any longer.

I have a mad crush right now, and I’ll tell you as much as my adolescent mind will allow before I feel like I’ll “jinx” it. He’s a cute guy I met three weeks ago where I volunteer, and after spending twenty minutes talking with him last week, I asked him out for a drink. Man, this guy is attractive to me. He’s from Mexico, tall and slender, shaved head and nice eyebrows, a break from my normal attraction to tall and beefy guys. He told me he was shy, which made my cold heart flutter, and that he loves animals. Basically he gets a rise out of me every time I see or talk to him, which could be a function of my libido waking up from its hibernation, or a sign that I really dig this guy.

So now we come to the part where I confess to you that I hate dating, due to my wild insecurities and past inability to succeed in said realm. It’s just not fun for me to go out with new guys I’m interested in, because I just don’t feel natural, don’t know the games, don’t know how to act, in a way. I put incredible amounts of pressure on myself to portray myself in the best light and try to figure out what the other person is thinking, what they want, why they’re here, if they’re really attracted to me, if I shouldn’t have just said that, should I get another beer? And if I get a good vibe, I show too much interest up front and scare ‘em away. Basically, I want to skip all that and wake up next to someone who wants to hear all about what I’m thinking and when he doesn’t just covers my mouth with his.

In any case, I’m looking forward to seeing this guy Sunday night—although the anticipation is kinda killing me. I’m trying to keep in mind at every turn that this guy (or any guy) isn’t going to be the answer to all my problems, isn’t going to “fix” the things that I’m working on. Putting that kind of pressure on him is unreasonable. My hope is just to enjoy myself and get to know him better.

Anyone know anywhere good for a not-fancy but not-divey date?


keetens said...

wow, I come across so well in print.

It's interesting to me that you're not good at the game playing. If it makes you feel any better, I'm not either...since I'm so focused on showing no interest that I can't figure out when to open up to people.

I like how a lot of our relationship is us failing at the same thing, but in completely different ways. It kind of makes me feel hysterical.

CultWifeNumeroUno said...

Papagayo, I'm all for airing your personalmost feelings out into the blogosphere for the entertainment of a few - yay keetens for makin it happen! So how did it go? Did you find a good date locale? There's no turning back now - divulge!